She's been with me for as long as I can remember.
But recently, I've found out she's a liar. And a compulsive one at that.
She's around 24/7, and she provides that comfort and "safe reasoning" that shields my feelings and my mental state.
To protect me.
I mean, that's a good best friend right? One who cares for your safety... one who reminds you of the reality of things. I'd never get hurt if I just trusted her. She always brought up good reasoning for why things would happen or wouldn't, and even though sometimes it hurt, it was for the best.
At least that's before I found out what her *actual* agenda was.
Lemme just lay out some examples.
There were many times, after a guy would ask me out online or via text message, she'd tell me that as soon as we met up, he wouldn't be interested. Because of my skin color, my hair, my weight, it was always a different reason at different times. At first I wouldn't really listen, but then I'd end up cancelling every time.
Or maybe sometimes when I'd make new friends. Like this girl I'd recently met, Dee. She's freaking awesome. We clicked on an awesome level. But then my best friend would say things like " Wow, she's gorgeous and popular, there's no way she's actually be a friend of yours. It doesn't make sense. She has like 10,000 Instagram followers, how does that make sense?" She's was never really harsh with it, and her reasoning kinda made sense to me, so I listened.
Other times, I'd hit up the guy I'm digging hard via text message, and when I don't get a reply in a 'reasonable' time span, she'd tell me he's just not interested. At all, and that I'm just annoying him. Sometimes I'd ignore her because, wow, I actually love the guy and sometimes that feeling overrides her rationality. But when she saw that wasn't working, she kept repeating and repeating, and then would maybe bring her other friend around to reiterate her point.
I HATE her other friend.
But with two against one, how could I win? I'd just shut down, or worse, take it out unhealthily on other areas or other people in my life.
And then she makes me feel like a burden. Oh boy, to anyone who actually loves me in my life. And it's like, the more they love me, the more of a burden she's claim I was to them. It's the worst with my family. She's made it hard for me to reach out when I need them the most, disguising it as "them being too busy," or "me being to busy" or even "me needing to be independent."
She's selfish. She wants me all to herself. And if I grow and mature, and try to step out of my comfort zone, she feeds me all these lies that shut me down and brings back up my walls. She's afraid of change; more so, she's afraid that'd I'd leave her behind.
I'm sure at this point, you're pretty curious about who she is... and well, I just usually call her Annie. We've been friends for years, after all.
But her full name is Anxiety.